I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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