you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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