Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
