Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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