I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
