my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
