Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
