i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Randomize
