My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
