saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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