i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
