Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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