dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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