Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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