I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
