i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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