Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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