I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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