Barsexuality is the new black.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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