All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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