we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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