I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
