I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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