Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
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