smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
worst night to have a conscience
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
