Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
