Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
