You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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