I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
