my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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