so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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