maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
