Welp...herpes.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Randomize