so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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