She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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