I accidentally burped into my bong.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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