Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I just pynch a tree in the face
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize