so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
