He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
