you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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