I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
