Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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