i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
