I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
