You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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