People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
