He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
