Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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