I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
This house was built for laser tag.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
