I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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