Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
