so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
