Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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