I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
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