I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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