Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
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