I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
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