ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
