He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize