So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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