I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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